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According to a study from the American Psychological Association, nearly nine in 10 adults say they feel more stress during the holiday season due to anticipating family conflict, missing loved ones, or affording family traditions. 

St. Olaf College Associate Professor of Practice in Social Work and Family Studies Erica Kanewischer answers questions on how to navigate family dynamics and conversations. Kanewischer also serves as the director of the David and Karen Olson Family Studies Concentration and chairs the Department of Social Work and Family Studies. 

Why do people feel anxious or stressed when reconnecting with friends and family during the holidays?
There can be a lot of pressure to have holiday celebrations be a “merry and joyful” experience. Sometimes, other circumstances make that difficult. One may be spending time with friends and family that they do not see often. Catching up, or even just feeling like you can be yourself, can be challenging due to emotional distance and time apart. There can also be unfinished disagreements or past hurts that have not been resolved. You may be worried that a certain topic will — or won’t — be brought up. Additionally, the holidays are a time when the absence of loved ones is often felt more poignantly.

What should parents keep in mind when their adult children visit?
Your child has likely been doing some growing, learning, and changing while they’ve been away. Having  friendly and transparent discussions about expectations for the time they’re home — ranging from how much time you hope to spend together, to curfews, and more — can help everyone better understand one another’s hopes and concerns. It’s easy to slip into old family roles, but that can cause more tension. 

It is important and developmentally appropriate for young adults to be trying out and making decisions about their own values, belief systems, and interests. They may have new ones that differ from your own. Try to be curious and suspend judgement. It is helpful to learn from one another, even if you disagree, while acknowledging each other’s viewpoint.

What should adult children keep in mind when visiting their parents?
Your parents are likely very excited to see you, but they’ve also been adapting to life with you living away. Instead of easily falling back into old roles, which can be frustrating, try to talk with them about what you’re looking forward to about being back home and any concerns you may have. These could be around expectations of you being the “same” as when you lived at home. 

Also, you have been learning new things, meeting new people, and having new experiences. If you run into topics that bring up differences of opinions between you and your parents, try to stay curious about why they believe what they do. Follow up by sharing your perspective and what you’ve learned. It can also be nice to lean into some enjoyable family traditions and use those as points of continued connection.

What advice would you give to family members about navigating difficult or polarizing conversations, such as politics?
When initially encountering this situation, I encourage people to stay curious. Try to find agreement on deeper values and see your family member’s perspective. Avoid assumptions and siloing. It is helpful to remember that you can demonstrate understanding without agreement. Try reflecting back what you hear the other saying, and then ask questions or simply share your individual perspective or query. 

If being curious isn’t going well, or you know the conversation will be difficult based on previous experience, you can shift topics. Focus on what you do have in common: hobbies, the food you’re enjoying, or a beloved shared memory. You can do an activity together or pull in another family member. Moving away from the difficult conversation is also an option to  help protect a treasured relationship. 

If changing to a different topic — or avoiding it all together— feels too painful or difficult, setting a boundary can help. This boundary can look like leaving the room for a little while or simply stating that you’d rather not discuss a topic. Throughout all of these scenarios, notice other pieces of communication that can affect the conversation. Are you stressed, hungry, tired, distracted, pressed for time, or feel like you have an audience? All of these factors can affect how we show up in conversation.

How does your work at St. Olaf support students’ learning on how to support individuals and families in navigating family dynamics?
Our family studies concentration offers several classes that teach students about family theories, dynamics, and how to work systematically within those relationships. These include Introduction to Family Studies, Young Adults in Relationships, and Family Relationships. Classes focus on looking at families systemically and how relationships work. 

Additionally, the college hosted a helpful event last year when Bill Doherty came to speak about his work founding Braver Angels, a nonprofit organization focused on helping people see, understand, and reconcile the differences that divide them. The campus also sponsored conversations about the book I Never Thought of it that Way by Mónica Guzmán, and encouraged faculty to incorporate ideas from the novel into their classes.

About Erica Kanewischer

Erica Kanewischer is an associate professor of practice in social work, the chair of the Social Work and Family Studies Department, and director of the David and Karen Olson Family Studies concentration. She is also a practicing Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. 

She has published research on supporting children who have experienced traumatic events, women’s decision-making around divorce, families’ experience of COVID-19 with school-age children, and teaching narrative therapy concepts in intercultural contexts. As a therapist, Kanewischer specializes in couples counseling, including discernment, premarital, and infidelity counseling. She also specializes in supporting professionals experiencing stress, compassion fatigue, secondary traumatic stress, and burnout.