Death Over Dinner
On April 10, 2025, as part of the Culture of Encounter Ideas Festival hosted by the Jay Phillips Center at the University of St. Thomas and the Minnesota Multifaith Network, three Lutheran Center Interfaith Fellows hosted a Death Over Dinner meal and conversation. Death Over Dinner is a national movement started in 2013 by Michael Hebb, Scott Macklin, and Angel Grant to create spaces where questions of death could be discussed in communities of trust.
This event continues the Lutheran Center Interfaith Fellow’s work in creating “third spaces” on campus where students are able to bring their whole selves, including their religious identities, to a space that is neither explicitly religious nor secular. Much like the Death Cafes hosted the past two years, Death over Dinner creates room to talk about questions of death in order to reflect on the big questions of life. You are invited to read on to hear about this experience from two of the Interfaith Fellows who helped lead the events.
By Zach Martin ’25
Many college students, myself included, have dealt with death. Losing a pet, a friend, or a relative is often the most challenging time in a person’s life, yet often that challenge and the accompanying emotions are kept bottled up. Talking about death is generally considered taboo in the United States, so it’s important to have a space where students are welcomed and encouraged to reflect on and discuss death.
Last November, I had the opportunity to join Professor Emerita of Social Work and Family Studies Mary Carlsen ‘79 and retired nurse Anne Meyer Ruppel ‘77 for an event they were hosting called “Death Over Dinner.” Though I had not attended the similar “Death Café” that took place for students the previous school year, I had heard from other students that it was a fun and casual event, in spite of the ominous sounding name. So a few other Interfaith Fellows and I attended the dinner, unsure what to expect.
When I showed up for Death Over Dinner, I quickly came to agree with the others’ descriptions. Mary and Anne are some of the most approachable people I’ve met and they clearly had lots of experience in leading these same kinds of events before. We talked about a range of topics, from mushroom burial suits to end of life instructions. I felt engaged and comfortable talking about uncomfortable topics, all while enjoying my chicken and rice dinner from the dining hall.
I enjoyed the event so much that it seemed unfortunate to only share it among the handful of Interfaith Fellows who were invited to this particular dinner. Since my role as an Interfaith Fellow includes planning an event for students, this seemed like the perfect opportunity to lead a Death Over Dinner event of my own for other students! So two other Interfaith Fellows and I reserved a room, planned our discussion, and sent out invitations before hosting our own event on April 10.
Our Death Over Dinner more closely resembled a casual dinner with friends than a solemn seminar discussion about philosophy. From the beginning, people were laughing and cracking jokes during introductions. And although the mood was light throughout the evening, that did not hinder thoughtful conversation. The “homework” pieces that we read/watched/listened to before the dinner led us to think about how we wanted to live out the rest of our lives when our health is in decline. For instance, we considered whether we’d rather rely on medicine to expand time spent in good health, or let nature take its course. Participants generally agreed that we don’t want to exist as total burdens to family, but it is harder to draw the line where we think our lives go from being a blessing to the people we love to a hardship.
Something I took away from the event was the desire to lay out more concretely in writing the level of treatment I would be comfortable with if my health suddenly declined so my caretakers would not be in the difficult position of having to guess. The dinner helped me to reflect on my own beliefs about death and helped to learn more about the people there I was already close with. I enjoyed the experience of planning an event, and I enjoyed even more the product of our planning: students being able to gather with friends to openly share their feelings about death without fear of being judged or dampening the conversation. Events like this help everyone feel a little more comfortable with an uncomfortable topic.
By Dick Nchang ’25
Co-hosting Death Over Dinner conversation with fellow Interfaith Fellows turned out to be as enriching as it was heartfelt. In preparation, we all watched Joan Halifax’s TED Talk on compassion and empathy prior to the event, which set a powerful foundation for the evening. Her words reminded us that facing death can awaken the deepest parts of our humanity—something we rarely sit with, let alone talk about, in a culture that tends to avoid the topic entirely.
What struck me most was how naturally the laughter and levity coexisted with moments of deep reflection. We spoke about the kinds of legacies we hope to leave and even our fears around the dying process itself. We would move from sharing plans for our ashes and the ashes of loved ones to laughter over a well-timed joke. The emotional range made the space feel human and whole.
It was moving to see how honest everyone was willing to be. There was no pressure to “have the right words”—just to be present, to listen, and to speak from the heart. In her TED Talk, Halifax talks about “being a mountain” for others—a grounded, compassionate presence. I felt that we each embodied some part of that metaphor that evening, holding space for one another in a way that felt both intimate and rare.
As a senior preparing to step into the next chapter of my life, it felt oddly comforting to sit with the end. In doing so, I found not just acceptance, but also clarity about how I want to live. That’s a gift I’ll carry with me.
The Lutheran Center is particularly grateful to Professor Emerita of Social Work and Family Studies Mary Carlsen ‘79 and Anne Meyer Ruppel ‘77, who introduced Death Over Dinner to the group of Interfaith Fellows who led the dinner and coached them through the planning. As you have read, this type of space creates the opportunity for students to reflect on issues that are not always front of mind for college students so that they may live with more intentionality in the now, buoyed by the religious, spiritual, or values tradition that serves as the foundation of their worldview.
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