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As wedding season approaches, many people are thinking more intentionally about romantic ties – whether celebrating others’, reflecting on their own, or considering what they want in a partner. St. Olaf College Visiting Assistant Professor of Psychology Logan Kochendorfer offers insight into how relationships form, what sustains them, and how they shape our lives. 

How would you define “romantic relationships”? What are the key elements that set these relationships apart from friendships or other platonic connections?

Currently, relationship scientists define a romantic relationship as a mutually acknowledged, consensual bond between two or more people in which members depend on one another to achieve positive outcomes and support one another in pursuing their most important needs and goals. 

Some key elements that set romantic relationships apart from other relationships depend on historical, cultural (nation of origin/identity, customs we ascribe to), social (which groups we feel a part of, and those we don’t), and individual (personal characteristics, identity, personality, etc.) context. Common elements include:

• Commitment: Do you see a future together?
• High levels of interdependence: Do you share resources or have mutual life-management?
• Intimacy: Do you have a close emotional bond? 
• Responsiveness: Are you attuned to and appropriately acting upon your partners’ unique needs?
• Shared relationship “story”: Is there a spiritual bond? A communal duty? A political alliance? Something to provide legal or social protection? Overall, do you share a vision/meaning for the role of the relationship?
• Physical connection: Is there touching, sexual intimacy, and/or pleasure? While sex or physical passion is not a requirement for romantic relationships, it can be a component that makes for easy distinction between some romantic relationships and friendships. However, one can still have a romantic relationship and never seek a physical connection with that partner.

What particular traits should be cultivated to build and maintain romantic relationships?

While there are many relevant traits, it is helpful to break them down into two categories: building a relationship and maintaining one. 
To build
In some cultures, individuals may focus on indicators that the potential partner could offer economic benefits, physical protection, or other valued resources and status symbols to the family or community when pursuing a romantic relationship. Additionally, a potential partner is likely also attractive, accessible (located within reasonable proximity), and available (not already in another relationship).

People often build relationships with those who are similar to them in terms of looks, socioeconomic status, interests, and values. There is more academic evidence for the idea that “birds of a feather flock together” than for “opposites attract” when it comes to romantic relationships.

In terms of behaviors that might be more within our control, successful relationship building requires:

• Emotional disclosure, such as sharing intimate details about oneself with increasing frequency/intensity over time.
• Spending time together in shared activities.
• Engaging in physical contact (for those who value it).

Also, it is never a bad decision to work on building a friendship first. Romantic relationships that begin as friendships typically have higher levels of trust and a greater sense of satisfaction in the relationship overall.

To maintain
In the United States, maintaining a relationship often involves everyday behaviors that reinforce feelings of satisfaction and commitment. This can differ for people from different cultural backgrounds, but generally these behaviors include:

• Positivity: Research has shown that people need five cheerful and positive interactions for every one negative interaction to experience the type of satisfaction that motivates them to stay in the relationship.
• Assurance: Behaviors that focus on commitment, love, and/or faithfulness. These could include deleting dating apps, verbally affirming interest and affection for a partner, and downplaying attractiveness of alternative potential romantic interests. 
• Openness: Self-disclosure and conversation within a relationship and sharing the “real you” increases satisfaction. 
• Social network: Use of friends and affiliations to maintain the relationship. Lean on supportive members of your network, if available. Many relationships have difficult periods, so it is often helpful to be able to lean on those who can remind you of the good/valuable things about your partner during those rough patches.
• Sharing tasks: Equitable division of labor that the partners face. Generally, individuals should feel they are getting out of a relationship what they are putting in. If effort exceeds return, this can lead to dissatisfaction. It is important to note that what is seen as equitable in one relationship may not look the same in another. 

How can effectively navigating romantic relationships benefit other aspects of life? 

There are many ways in which effective romantic relationships can influence overall well-being. First, strong relationships can predict better physical and mental health. For example, some studies have shown that high-quality close relationships, including romantic relationships, are more strongly associated with your lifespan than other health factors, such as smoking or cholesterol levels. Individuals in healthy relationships report less pain in objectively painful circumstances, as well as lower levels of depression and anxiety. 

Second, good relationships are associated with higher levels of well-being –– also known as life satisfaction –– positive affect, self-esteem, and a sense of belonging.

Finally, the ability to effectively navigate a romantic relationship is also likely to boost the quality of your other close relationship experiences, especially in adolescence and emerging adulthood. For example, my research team has found that those who experience high quality romantic relationships also tend to have higher quality friendship experiences. 

What common challenges do people face when searching for a romantic partner, and how can they overcome them?

There are a few common challenges or barriers people encounter when searching for a romantic partner, including:

• Limited (perceived or real) availability of potential partners: Those living in small towns may have fewer available potential partners, and may also feel restricted by the lack of privacy inherent to smaller communities; whereas those in larger cities may have a larger pool of possible partners and experience greater feelings of anonymity in dating decisions, but face barriers in terms of “competition” or a perceived lack of partners interested in pursuing long-term relationships.
• Fear of rejection or perceived lack of interest: Difficulty interpreting social cues can create uncertainty about others’ interest. For example, did that smile mean “I’m interested,” or was it conveying a polite “hello, I’m not interested”? 
• Social disapproval: This can be particularly relevant for marginalized groups, including members of the LGBTQIA2S+ community living in places where being publicly open is unsafe. Online tools or dating apps can actually be very helpful in overcoming these in-person barriers.
• Internal beliefs about self-worth: This is how we understand our own worth of being loved and supported, and is called the internal working model in psychology. Early on in our lives we are sent messages, usually from our family, about how we can trust –– or mistrust –– affection from others. Sometimes these messages are direct –– responding every time we cry vs. doing so intermittently vs. punishment for crying –– and sometimes these messages are more indirect commentary about love as something you “feel” vs. something you “do.” In either case, these messages provide a lens through which we form expectations of other potential relationships, for better or for worse. 

When these barriers are identified, there are several actions people can take to overcome them. Therapy can be a helpful starting point. The science of psychology is often based on representing the average experience, and as such, it can be really challenging to apply a particular finding to one’s own life. Working with an evidence-based practitioner who can help distill the research and interpret what the science can and can’t say for your situation may prove beneficial.

Another tool a person or a couple could turn to are self-help resources—though, be forewarned that self-help books or influencers are often heavily stereotypical, such as “men are from Mars, women from Venus,” “men want respect,” “women want love,” and so on. These books focus primarily on Western, educated, industrialized, wealthy, and democratic samples/societies. They usually do not provide other cultural contextual elements, and can be very limiting and cause distress. 

In general, I strongly discourage getting advice from social media influencers (unless you can verify their qualifications). “Good” social media content is often too sensationalist and simplistic to make for realistic relationship advice.

How does your work at St. Olaf educate and support the establishment of healthy, lasting romantic relationships?

In the classroom, I teach two seminars on relationships. The full-semester seminar focuses on close relationships with parents, friends, and romantic partners over a lifetime. In the seminar, I cover the historical and current state of relationship science, and what we know about the factors associated with positive and negative experiences in these relationships from cradle to grave.

The J-Term on intimate relationships is where we dive deeply into factors shaping romantic and sexual initiation processes, maintenance strategies, and dissolution processes/effects.

I also teach a developmental psychology class where I weave in evidence-based relationship advice, as this course has students from a variety of majors, and I think everyone –– psychology major or not –– deserves to know this stuff!

At St. Olaf, I lead the Studying Emotional Connections and Understanding Relationship Experiences (S.E.C.U.R.E.) lab. I have a fabulous team of undergraduate students currently working on a variety of relationship-science relevant projects. The undergraduate student researchers are in different teams that are looking at parasocial relationships with social media influencers; the links between various relationship experiences and empathy; and are conducting a systematic review in an effort to summarize all that we know about the link between various interpersonal competencies or social skills and friendship and romantic relationship quality in adolescence and emerging adulthood. Their work will be extended into a meta-analysis this summer through the CURI program, in which we will attempt to statistically determine the overall direction and strength of this relationship.

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About Logan Kochendorfer

Logan Kochendorfer, Ph.D., is a visiting assistant professor of psychology at St. Olaf College. Kochendorfer teaches in the psychology department and directs the Studying Emotional Connections and Understanding Relationship Experiences (SECURE) Lab. In the past, she has worked on various research projects and published works, including Interpersonal Competencies and the Quality of Emerging Adults’ Close Relationships and The Parasocial Relationships Project.