By: Emily King-Nobles, NVP Fellow

Date: April, 13th, 2023

I recently had the opportunity to be a pilgrim in The Holy Lands. I walked where Jesus walked and saw what Jesus saw. I was struck by the places where Jesus performed miracles. There seemed to be healing all over these lands. As I reread the story of Lazurus raised from the dead (John 11), a man healed in the pool of Bethesda (John 5), and a woman healed by touching Jesus’ cloak (Mark 5), I was reminded of the surrealness of healing. Yet, I also encountered an uncomfortable feeling in my chest. 

Why do only some people get healed, God?

Why did that man get a miracle, but my cousin did not? 

Where are the instantaneous miracles today, Jesus?

Why has my own prayer for healing taken 6 years and counting?

These questions of “why” left an uneasiness. 

For I had been in The Holy Lands previously. I was 18 at the time and lost in medical diagnoses’ and uncertainty. While there, I stood in the cave where Jesus was born and begged God for a miracle. The entirety of my group stood in that narrow space, surrounding me with hands while my dad prayed aloud for a miracle of healing. Afterwards, I was informed by one tour host that she had watched this happen before for a girl with a similar diagnosis. She returned home and was healed. It was incredible. This story—and the serene, indescribable peace I felt in that cave, gave me hope. I believed in healing for the first time in months. 

It was incredible. 

And then.

Nothing happened. 

I wasn’t healed.
I was angry.

Mad. Scared. Lost.

Why. God. Why?

God said no (or so I thought). What was I supposed to do with this? 

What are we supposed to do when God says no? 

When God says not right now? 

Or yes, but in a different way than you’d like?

Well, first of all, I believe we can take our outrage to God. 

“Righteous anger”. 

It’s a thing, I promise:)

We must begin acknowledging in church the different kinds of healing that take place. Sometimes, God heals with a miracle. And it’s incredible. But more often than not, He responds differently. Truthfully, I don’t know why God heals some people and doesn’t with others. But I do know this: Even Jesus begged for the cup to be taken from His hands.   

He knelt in the Garden of Gethsemane and prayed for His father to take away the crucifixion. He asked for a different outcome and then concluded His prayer with, “Not my will, but Yours be done”.

What a powerful statement. 

Not my will, but Yours.

I think we so often forget the promises of God. He never promised ease. He never promised earthly healing. He never promised a “yes” to every request. But he did promise His presence. He did promise His peace. He did promise redemption through it all.

Jesus still heals. Jesus still redeems. It just isn’t always in the way we ask for.

As for me, I have watched the way God has worked in the last 3 years. It wasn’t in the instantaneous healing I initially wanted. But it has been in a way that has brought many other blessings into my life. I discovered new doctors, clinics, medicines and cutting-edge research that have slowly transformed my life. Not on one particular day, but in a heartbreaking, yet beautiful journey.

While I might not have found complete earthly healing, I have found freedom. Freedom does not require a clean bill of health, a full bank account or a perfect marriage. It is found in the peace that Jesus offers us in the “messy middle”. It is in understanding that God’s call for our lives is not in showing up with it all together, but showing up as we are, with the broken pieces, and believing that the best is truly yet to come. 

Not my will, but yours be done, Jesus. 

I would not have chosen this path for my life. Yet, I see the redemption that has come through it all. In the ashes, beauty has risen. 

If you receive one of those instant miracles, I’m happy for you. Seriously, that is incredible and I would love to hear about it. But for those of you out there like me, begging for a miracle that has not come—and truthfully might never—I want to encourage you to look for the mini miracles. It might be one doctor’s appointment. One call from a friend. One slice of warm bread. One encouraging word in church. Those are all mini miracles propelling us forward during the hard times. 

While you wait, take strength in the knowledge that God has not, and will never leave you.

Healing looks different for everyone. But the promises of God, those remain the same.

I leave you with these lyrics from “Come as you Are” by Crowder.

🎵Oh, wanderer, come home

You’re not too far

So lay down your hurt,

lay down your heart

Come as you are

There’s hope for the hopeless,

and all those who’ve strayed

Come sit at the table

come taste the grace

There’s rest for the weary,

rest that endres

Earth has no sorrow

that Heaven can’t cure🎵